Collection of Most Used Funny Quotes

Using funny quotes in speeches or messages is a best way to lighten the rigidity of atmosphere. That is why our team brought here a good collection of nice and most wanted funny quotes.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
Winston Churchill

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Groucho Marx

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Laurence J. Peter

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
David Brenner

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan

All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Robin Williams

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Bertrand Russell

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain

I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine

Be obscure clearly.
E. B. White

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Billy Connolly

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
Luis Bunuel

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Demetri Martin

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
Logan P. Smith

My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
Ronald Reagan

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

The next time you have a thought... let it go.
Ron White

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
Frank Sinatra

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Josh Billings

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Jerry Seinfeld

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry

Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz

Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Demetri Martin

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
E. B. White

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Demetri Martin

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
James Thurber

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
James Thurber

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Johnny Vegas

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan P. Smith

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
Richard Lewis

You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard

All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Chevy Chase

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
Roy Orbison

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
Laurence J. Peter

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne

Polite conversation is rarely either.
Fran Lebowitz

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
Elayne Boosler

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Jerry Seinfeld

Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
Don Marquis

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
Elayne Boosler

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman

I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced.
Ruby Wax

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
Marcelene Cox

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan P. Smith

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Dennis Miller

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
George Lopez

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Paula Poundstone

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Dylan Moran

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
Caroline Rhea

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Mickey Rooney

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
William Arthur Ward

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
Steve Jobs

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
Bill Cosby

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Garrison Keillor

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
Jean Baudrillard

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Isaac Asimov

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.
Gertrude Stein

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Somerset Maugham

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
Ellen DeGeneres

Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
Eminem

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.
Audrey Hepburn

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.
Jimi Hendrix

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.
Leonardo DiCaprio

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
Stephen Hawking

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
Ogden Nash

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.
Doug Coupland

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.
Charlie Sheen

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Ernest Hemingway

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen

Choice, Anyone

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.
Charlie Sheen

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
Stephen King

It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.
Jeff Bridges

Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike.
Jeff Bridges

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.
Jennifer Aniston

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg

That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.
Jennifer Aniston

My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.
Jennifer Aniston

I read a lot of scripts that I just don't find very funny.
Jennifer Aniston

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.
Jennifer Aniston

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

You need to be silly to be funny.
William Shatner

I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.
Megan Fox

The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.
Billy Corgan

A good artist is willing to die many times over. What's funny is, I've died so many times.
Billy Corgan

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am a socialist at heart and have the interests of the poor in mind. When people see how I manage to work my way out of tough situations, it gives them hope in their own life.
Lalu Prasad Yadav

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
David Ogilvy

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
Will Rogers

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages, then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.
Shaun White

I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people.
Kesha

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids.
Katy Perry

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.
Karl Lagerfeld

It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I'm skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big, when I was big, I never thought about it.
Karl Lagerfeld

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Bill Hicks

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.
Rosie Perez

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg

It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
Zora Neale Hurston

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates

You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.
Eminem

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.
Gertrude Stein

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
Larry David

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Larry David

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
Larry David

It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.
Chuck Palahniuk

The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.
J. K. Rowling

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.
Ellen DeGeneres

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
Louis C. K.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell

Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.
Doris Lessing

I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.
Gertrude Stein

I don't think I'm funny.
Liam Neeson

It's funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever have.
Liam Neeson

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
Mae West

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.
Adam Lambert

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
Rush Limbaugh

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.
P. J. O'Rourke

We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying!
Josh Hutcherson

I mean I've seen 3D films so far and I think it's a long way to go before they replace actors. It's a funny thing with 3D, I haven't quite got it yet. Yet.
Daniel Radcliffe

The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.
Amanda Seyfried

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.
Daniel Craig

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.
Kristen Stewart

I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body.
Kristen Stewart

It's a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do - you're proud of it - and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.
Kristen Stewart

And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me.
Kristen Stewart

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me.
Harry Connick, Jr.

I don't really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I'm not operating on somebody's brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it's all funny.
Harry Connick, Jr.

Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.
Philip Seymour Hoffman

People used to be funny about approaching me, but now they seem to think I'm as sane as anyone who's done what I've done in movies can be.
Philip Seymour Hoffman

I mean, I - it's so funny, I am, you know, I am, you know, a working woman out in the world, but I still live with my parents half the time. I've been sort of taking this very long, stuttering period of moving out.
Lena Dunham

There's always an article coming out, saying, 'The new thing is funny women!'
Lena Dunham

It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway.
Lena Dunham

I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
Lena Dunham

As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt

The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.
Drew Barrymore

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
Paris Hilton

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
Adlai E. Stevenson

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.
Paula Deen

The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, 'What are you talking about?' Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it's not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.
Joan Jett

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.
Taylor Swift

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.
Susan Sontag

A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.
Barbara Corcoran

It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.
Craig Bruce

You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
Donald Trump

It's a funny old world.
Margaret Thatcher

It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.
Julia Roberts

When human judgment and big data intersect there are some funny things that happen.
Nate Silver

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
Will Ferrell

I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.
LeBron James

I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one record. It's like, What is he doing?
Lenny Kravitz

The fans of 'The Hunger Games,' of the book, are very passionate. It's funny: Even at my concerts there are people holding up 'Cinna' signs.
Lenny Kravitz

It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different.
Mindy Kaling

People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas.
Mindy Kaling

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.
Mindy Kaling

The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities.
Mindy Kaling

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.
Christopher Walken

Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can say the most horrible things and it's not offensive, it's funny?
Christopher Walken

I always like to watch comics and it's interesting that you can tell if someone's funny in 10 seconds.
Christopher Walken

Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the other way around. Because in a comedy you look for what's serious. I think that's true. Sometimes things are really funny if you're absolutely earnest. If you're really serious, it's hilarious.
Christopher Walken

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny.
Christopher Walken

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
Chris Rock

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
Demetri Martin

It's funny about men and women. Men pay in cash to get them and pay in cash to get rid of them. Women pay emotionally coming and going. Neither has it easy.
Hedy Lamarr

If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.
Tom Hiddleston

It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician, but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing.
Gary Oldman

Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.
Adam Sandler

I think things are funny when the character is taking it totally seriously.
Rachel Weisz

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.
Margaret Cho

My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English.
Margaret Cho

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
Jimi Hendrix

The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.
Francesca Annis

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
David Sedaris

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
Jim Carrey

I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.
Joaquin Phoenix

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
Jerry Seinfeld

It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so I always wanted to wear those looks. When I was a child, I wouldn't let my mom put me in anything but calico dresses and now... whaddaya know, every day I'm in a calico dress, basically, so it's kind of funny.
Chloe Sevigny

'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.
Katey Sagal

It's not so much what you learn about Mumbai, it's what you learn about yourself, really. It's a funny old hippie thing, but it's true as well. You find out a lot about yourself and your tolerance, and about your inclusiveness.
Danny Boyle

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'
Tom Hanks

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.
Anne Lamott

When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
Esther Williams

I don't mean to be funny.
Yogi Berra

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.
Steve Martin

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.
Steve Martin

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.
Steve Martin

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres

A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
Jennifer Lopez

You know, I've always thought that it would be really funny if somebody made a romantic comedy where absolutely everything went well from beginning to end.
Fiona Apple

It sounds funny, but the 2008 Olympics were something that just kind of happened, and I was lucky they came at a point when I was uninjured and well prepared. As a gymnast, you can't ask for much more.
Shawn Johnson

In this world, everyone wants to know everything about you, and I think that's funny.
Leighton Meester

Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
Shahrukh Khan

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?
Andy Warhol

Hollywood's just not funny.
Chris Rock

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
Chris Rock

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny.
Ben Stein

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
Craig Ferguson

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.
Craig Ferguson

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.
Ice Cube

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'
Ice Cube

This is going to sound really funny. I have a poster of Zac Efron on my wall! I think every girl has a poster of him in their room so, why not join the club!
Vanessa Hudgens

I recently spent quite a bit of time in Sheffield, England, which is where I'm from. I wouldn't move back there, but it's funny when you spend a bit of time in the place where you were brought up. You kind of realize how that place has had quite a big effect on you or made you a certain way.
Jarvis Cocker

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
Dane Cook

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
Angelina Jolie

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers

It's not common for a woman on television, especially if she's the mom of the family, to be funny. She's usually a straight man or foil.
Martha Plimpton

I watch things that are fun, or funny, or interesting.
Martha Plimpton

It would be pretty funny to see a Beverly Hills white girl with mad rap skills.
Tori Spelling

As a writer, or as a filmmaker, you have to present yourself, and part of what yourself is is what you're interested in, or what you think is funny, or what you think is sad, or what you think is horrible.
Charlie Kaufman

This may sound funny, but as much as the 'Today' show matured me, it also was something of a cocoon. I'd been happy there. I never went into the boss's office and pounded my fist on the desk, saying, 'Give me more money! Give me a prime-time show!'
Jane Pauley

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.
Megan Fox

The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.
Sara Blakely

I grew up in a funny way.
Gordon Ramsay

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
David Sedaris

There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I'll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be 'comedies' and not 'female' or 'male,' and everyone gets an equal opportunity.
Kristen Wiig

With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
Kristen Wiig

You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great.
Jamie Foxx

I really wanted to just be a musician. I didn't want to be anything else, but I was funny and all that.
Jamie Foxx

I think Chris Rock at the Oscars was a great example. I thought that was intellectually hilarious. The Gap starts a war with Banana Republic... That to me was funny.
Christopher Meloni

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.
Al Yankovic

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'
Al Yankovic

Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
Amy Poehler

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.
Michael Caine

I'm an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy - at least I think I'm funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.
Shaquille O'Neal

In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.
Trey Parker

It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply... We've never considered ourselves satirists, but because we're on Comedy Central and because we're South Park on Comedy Central, we can do any topic we want.
Trey Parker

No, writing musicals is the hardest thing in the world. And it was really funny, because I remember when the South Park movie came out, there were some critics that said, 'Well it's obvious that in order to get it to be 90 minutes they filled some time with music.'
Trey Parker

Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age.
Julia Roberts

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.
Dave Chappelle

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
Dave Chappelle

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.
Arthur Smith

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.
Arthur Smith

I'd love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.
Rihanna

It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that we can move around. And over the last few seasons, we've explored some of the secondary characters' personal lives a bit more.
Matt Groening

I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.
Greg Kinnear

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking.
Guy Pearce

It's funny, though, with films, because you can incorporate a variety of elements, and sometimes that can work for you and sometimes I think it can work against you.
Guy Pearce

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
Joe Rogan

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid.
Sophia Bush

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.
Drew Carey

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.
Drew Carey

On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away.
Theodore Bikel

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.
Tippi Hedren

One lion thinks it's just hilarious to tackle us. He's very funny about it... and we always know when it will happen.
Tippi Hedren

Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny, but working with him, I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the films of Hitchcock are macabre, he could be a very funny man to work with, always telling jokes and holding court. Of course, when I worked with Charlie he was getting older.
Tippi Hedren

It's interesting that whenever I meet some of the other Bond girls, I always have something in common, and it is an interesting sorority. We all share about our Bonds. 'Did your Bond do that?' 'Yes mine did!' So it is quite funny conversations. We may as well be in high school.
Jane Seymour

I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable.
Joel Coen

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.
Jo Brand

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.
Jo Brand